The film tells the story of the Blanche family who run a dark and dismal health resort on a remote island which is only accessible by ferry. The spa program consists of feeding the guests seaweed and eel-based meals, then administering liberal colonic irrigation. The spa is run by the family matriarch Dame Blanche until her death. Things continue on with her children running the resort until Kath, the resort's former sous chef and love interest of one of the sons, comes back to the island unannounced. Stranded between monthly ferries, she is a catalyst for a series of events that turns life as it is known at Hotel Splendide on its ear.

In 1429 a teenage girl from a remote French village stood before her King with a message she claimed came from God; that she would defeat the world's greatest army and liberate her country from its political and religious turmoil. Following her mission to reclaim god's diminished kingdom - through her amazing victories until her violent and untimely death.